More Funerals

Posted in General Posts, Methods by Nathan Clendenin on February 11th, 2006

I tried to arrange on Friday with William, the gravedigger, to visit the gravesite again on Saturday, hoping for softer light with the cloudy weather. He said he would not be there and wasn’t sure if he could arrange with his substitute to have me there. I would not have been worried about that, given that I always just explain to each funeral party what I’m doing when they ask, without William being right there. However, Gloria’s father passed earlier in my trip and his funeral was today. Vincent asked me to come, and with hesitation at first, I went. I was feeling, as at the end of Friday, totally uncreative and out of energy to keep shooting. I shot photos but without enthusiasm and they weren’t very good (in my eyes). It was a very large funeral though, bigger than any I’ve witnessed in S Africa. In the car with me and Mandla were Selina and Vuci. It was great to ride with them and spend time with them, not photographing. Vincent noticed, and I concur, that I’m really becoming a part of their family. I bought disposable cameras for the kids earlier, as Thebo esp. kept trying to take pictures with my cameras. I wish I had time to really teach them, and perhaps I will in future trips. I find myself wanting to help this family so much, not in a poverty relief way, as they have good shelter and food, but in an opportunity way. I see such promise in the kids, because of their strong parents. I want to have them visit the U.S. and show them around. I want to finance their educations and see to it that they make it out of Mamelodi, at least for awhile. But those are my feelings and thoughts, I only pray that our relationship will be able to continue over the years to come.

Along the same lack of creativity lines, I am having a feeling that I have missed some crucial part of some of the stories, like no closing shot or no good scene setter. Yet weirdly, I am taking no initiative to check or make those kinds of pictures just in case. I am trying a bit, but the pics don’t have people in them or for some reason don’t work out right. I am basically just worn out from working on these stories, and feel like I’m in a huge rut with my camera. I don’t know how to get out of it, except to take time away, which I don’t have. Deep down I am worried all this effort will go to waste, will be not as good as I hope. I know sometimes these are just lies blown out of proportion by my feeling a lack of control. I try to ignore them, and I pray about them. I have this deeper feeling that God will use this project, as I’ve asked, to raise awareness beyond ways I can imagine.